Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
