I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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