In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
