Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
