Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize