I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
