he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
