I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
