He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
