her vagina looked like bernie madoff
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
