I have demons in me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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