we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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