a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
