no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Someone shattered a urinal.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
