Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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