I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
