woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
