matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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