last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
