I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
