Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
