apparently the secret to your success is patron
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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