so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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