If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
