Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(540): View more from Virginia

ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.

Fav 18 2879 1125
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(408): View more from California

Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand

Fav 31 5149 921
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(425): View more from Washington

oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

Fav 30 6697 1794
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(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

Fav 17 8104 1447
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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

Fav 9 4193 1664
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(410): View more from Maryland

I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?

Fav 7 1615 832
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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.

Fav 5 786 2114
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(516): View more from New York

She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.

Fav 1 1081 561
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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea

Fav 0 7 38
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