I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
