the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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