I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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