it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
