Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize