you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
