I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
