What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
