saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
