I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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