I want to walk on stilts...naked
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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