Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
