I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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