He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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