Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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