I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize