I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
