is your mom at the bar?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
as a side note pls kill me
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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