You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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