I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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