my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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