I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
