the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
