life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
