Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize