I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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