Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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