Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
