He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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