He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
