so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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