I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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