So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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