Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
