I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
