Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
