she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
