wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
