Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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