I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
