Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize